Self-Differentiated Leadership and Crucial Conversations
Edwin Friedman's book, Failure of Nerve, defines a differentiated person as someone who can maintain their own identity while still connecting with others without letting emotional anxiety affect them. To be a differentiated leader, one must be able to control their own anxiety, stand firm when others disagree, and remain connected with others in a meaningful way (Bardwell, 2015). The book Crucial Conversations (Grenny et al., 2022), offers differentiated leaders valuable insights on how to navigate tough conversations, prevent hostile reactions, and diffuse anxiety to keep the conversation flowing smoothly.
Principle #1: Start with Heart: Stay Focused on What You Really Want
Resist resorting to forms of ineffective forms communication –debate, silent treatment, avoidance, and manipulation.
Start with your own heart and focus on what you really want by asking question such as:
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the relationship?
And lastly, how would I behave if I really wanted these results?
Don’t be a sucker. It is not about winning or losing. Look for healthy ways to have a dialogue.
Principle #2: Learn to Look: Notice When Safety is at Risk
When a conversations is becoming a crucial conversation, beware of communication pitfalls. Look for safety issues that propel people toward silence or violence.
Principle #3: Make it Safe to Talk About Anything
When a crucial conversations becomes unsafe, the best approach is to step away from the conversion until safety can be restored by evaluating mutual trust and mutual respect. Be willing to apologize and clarify when there has been a misunderstanding and reopen the dialogue.
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Principle #4: Master Your Stories When You Are Angry, Scared, or Hurt
If you emotions are running high and you are getting stuck in silence or violence, take a moment to recognize your feeling and the stories you have told yourself that could be getting in the way of the facts.
Principle #5: STATE your Path: Be Persuasive, Not Abrasive.
Use the 5 STATE skills when discussing sensitive topic that could offend others.
Share your facts. They are least controversial, the most persuasive, and the least insulting.
Tell your story without deteriorating safety.
Ask for others’ paths, be willing to listen and open to learning
Talk tentatively to soften the message and increase our influence
Encourage testing by inviting opposing views and playing devils advocate
Principle #6: Explore Others’ Path: Listening When Others Resort to Silence and Violence
Be sincere and start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. It may take some time before others to settle down and fell safe. Encourage others to share their path through AMPP:
Ask: Encourage others to share their path.
Mirror: Describe how they look or act when their tone or gestures are inconsistent with their words.
Paraphrase: Acknowledge their story by paraphrasing what you have heard.
Prime: When you can tell someone has something to share but is silent, make your best guess about what they are thinking or feeling in hopes that they will respond.
Principle #7: Move to Action and Results
Once you have completed the crucial conversation, take a moment to complete a united plan of action.
References
Callibrain. (2015, August 20). Video review for crucial conversations by kerry patterson [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFaXx3pgaxM
Grenny, J., Patterson, K., McMillan, R., Switzler, A., & Gregory, E. (2022). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. McGraw Hill.
Mathew Bardwell. (2010, November 10). Friedman's theory of differentiated leadership made simple [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew.
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